entering my delusional era
let's see how long this lasts
Hi, readers.
In case you missed it, I’ve decided that this year, I’m just going to be delusional.
Pictured: Roxanne sits in an outdoor patio at a country club, looking bougie. In reality, she’s just wearing a bathrobe as a shirt to appear like she meets the dress code.
In high school, my mentor told me that whenever people say I can’t do something, I should simply respond as though it is already happening. I didn’t really get why anyone would do that back then but I’m 28 and I think I get it now.
I’m honestly so tired of the conditioning I’ve had my entire life, telling me to just “do the right thing.” What they don’t tell you in Eldest Daughter School is that “the right thing” usually just means “what other people want, not what you want.”
So I’ve decided I’m in my year of exploration and talking crazy.
Going on frequent alcohol fasts? Hell yeah, sobriety is type lit.
Coming out of dance retirement? Maybe.
Going outside because I can? Duh.
Actually committing to posting content every day even if I look stupid? Yes, because it’s all just practice for the bigger picture.
That Emmy? It’s already on the way, and many people will be sorry when they are not invited to celebrate it with me.
Alas, it’s not revenge that makes me write any of this. Shocking for a Scorpio stellium, I know.
What actually motivates me, dear readers, is the excitement of meeting myself for what feels like the first time in a while.
About that photo at the beginning of this newsletter: Yeah, that’s me at the Baguio Country Club. No, I could not afford to get in here alone (yet) and no, I didn’t have actual designer clothes to match the mandatory dress code so I kinda faked it. But experiencing my first country club ever, while abroad with a group of friends I’ve known for a decade was a gift and an opportunity that manifested, and one that altered my brain chemistry in some ways.
In short, that beautiful day gave me a That’s So Raven-like vision of a life I could be living. A life that didn’t need to wait for the “right time,” for when I was “finally rich” or “finally successful.” I could have the life I wanted right then and now - if I could just figure out a way to flip-it-and-reverse-it on the depressive funk I had been going through.
In my last post, I shared how I was almost a year into a new job at a place I really liked.
That was December 2023 - only a few months ago. It’s May 2024 now, and things have drastically shifted. I suppose that’s what writing is often good for: time capsuling yourself and the life around you as much as you can.
In Q1 of 2024, shortly after returning from a wonderful island vacation and after publishing that last post, I was suddenly let go from said job due to company losses. I have been unemployed (again) ever since.
Around the same time, I also experienced abuse from relatives whom I believed I had been developing a positive relationship with over the past few years. The ideas I had about my career, family life, and cultural identity were completely destroyed within moments. I felt broken and lost for days - weeks - on end.
This is the part where most people would exploit their trauma to get rich, right? Sometimes, because of how many people get famous by doing it, I wonder if that’s all success really takes. But then I’m reminded of a time Issa Rae reflected on this exact thing.
I wish I could tell you I have it all figured out now that some time has passed since all that BS went down. But the truth is, I don’t.
Check-in phone calls with friends and family members alike end up being painful when all they seem to want to know is if I’ve found work yet or when I’ll pay off my student loans. Some friends have stopped calling altogether - and though some never communicated why, it’s been implied that I’m not at the same stage of life they’d prefer. It sometimes brings me great sadness to feel like there isn’t anything else in my life deemed worthy to talk about. I’ve felt angry at times, asking questions like “Wasn’t it yah who told me to finish school even though it was really hard to be the first one to do it, that to trailblaze can be so incredibly lonely? Wasn’t it yah who taught me to open multiple credit cards, to cosplay as a normal unproblematic straight woman, to package my talents into something more sellable? Is having money the only way they’ll ever finally see me?” But experiencing all of these emotions has taught me to lessen up on internalizing and instead just set boundaries for how I engage and interact with certain folks.
I’ve also been told that dreams are not practical - only goals are. That’s where the schism has always been. I somehow learned to approach my dreams like they were just goals and nothing more, so I started to forget how to imagine life beyond that. I wasn’t running past the finish line anymore; rather, I was only focusing on getting to the end.
The life I really want isn’t tunnel visioning for the holy trinity of marriage, climbing the corporate ladder, and having kids all by a certain time/age. It isn’t that I don’t want those things at all (I do to some degree and form), but I think if you really know me, you know my heart and what (and who) takes priority. Things like a future where all colonized nations are free, where all oppressors and abusers face justice, where my mom and siblings and grandparents can live without worry, where my partner and I own a home instead of renting one, where we can enjoy nature’s gifts in abundance, where I can open a production studio of my own.
Growing up I always wanted a life led by love. And I’m happy to say in spite of everything that’s happened, I’m creating it right now.
Another insightful piece of content I came across recently was this video by Righteous Eats interviewing the owner of a Black-owned French-influenced bakery in Bed-Stuy (a historically Black, low-income neighborhood now getting gentrified by trendy transplants). Jatee Kearsley’s bakery, Je T’aime Patisserie, is one of few fresh food businesses that proudly accepts EBT. When asked why she decided to open this bakery in a hood that doesn’t normally have this type of concept, she spoke candidly about how when it comes to good food, the real issue is the knowledge gap and accessibility to it. She said instead of focusing on being the ones breaking generational cycles, we should think about starting new ones.
So in the spirit of starting new cycles, I’ll tell you that it’s not actually all that bad. Here’s what I have been able to enjoy the past few months:
catching up on a LOT of One Tree Hill (I just made it to S8, but it feels like a completely different show than when CMM was on it)
a weekend of Lunar New Year celebrations on my own terms, not according to what was expected of me as the eldest daughter in a traditional Filipino-Chinese family
the company of loved ones who don’t make my status a precursor to hanging out
finding a new love for pole-dancing and pilates because they help me embrace my femininity in ways I couldn’t express before
more travel than when I was employed, frankly - thanks to a supportive partner, a community that rallied so I could honor my commitments without worry, and a nest egg I had been building since last year
2 weddings, multiple birthdays, and several other life celebrations
warmer weather (could be more consistent though, @/Mother Nature pls)
experiencing the most I’ve ever seen of the Philippines than I ever have before
a partially-funded week of production in Los Angeles for my documentary series, MAARTE - and quality time with friends new and old while I was there
cuddles from my dog and the comfort of my own bed when I finally came home
Truthfully, things aren’t always good. But they can be.
It isn’t that my financial situation or security has improved. It’s that my confidence and clarity has. So I’m gonna keep believing that I am doing the right thing, because I know it’s the right thing for me. And even if I keep messing up, at least I’m doing something about it at all.
Another day to get it right, as my good sis Luv would say.
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